If you’re so inclined, you can read all the legal copy. I think it’ll be worth your time but, then again, I’m incredibly biased.
1 Happiness is a subjective and non-quantifiable emotive state of mind that can only be determined by each individual card recipient. Lightfoot, Franklin & White LLC (“Lightfoot”) is wishing the holder of this card a Happy New Year; nevertheless is making no guarantees or assurances of happiness for the period commencing on January 1, 2024, at 12:00 am CST and concluding on December 31, 2024, 11:59 pm CST. The following words and phrases shall be considered equal to and appropriate substitutions of the word “Happy:” content, pleased, delighted, satisfied, merry, overjoyed, elated, joyous, joyful, chipper, gleeful, jubilant and tickled pink. Use of this word is in no way referencing the song “Happy” by Pharrell Williams, therefore Columbia Records and Mr. Pharrell Lanscilo Williams holds no claim against Lightfoot, Franklin & White LLC for licensing fees or royalties from the distribution of this card.
2 The descriptor “new” in this context is in direct reference to the subsequent word “year.” Accordingly, this message is intended solely for the year 2024. Any previous Happy New Year wishes, wishes of good tidings or the like made by or on behalf of Lightfoot, Franklin & White, LLC during previous years are hereby superseded by this Happy New Year message. All previous messages will be considered null and void commencing on January 1, 2024. at 12:00 am CST.
3 Lightfoot, Frankin & White, LLC’s definition of a “year” presupposes the use of the widely accepted Gregorian solar calendar which commences January 1, 2024 at 12:00 am CST. No other calendar, including lunar or lunisolar calendars such as the Chinese calendar, shall be accepted as the preferred calendar in defining what a year is for the purposes of this card. With that, the year of 2024 as defined in this card shall not carry with it the added moniker of “The Year of the Dragon” or any other animal, critter, creature or mythical beast. Based on the Gregorian calendar, a “year” is commonly defined as the period of approximately 365 ¼ days required for the Earth to make one complete circumnavigation around the sun. Notwithstanding the foregoing, the year specified herein, i.e. 2024, is a quadrennial occurrence known as a “leap year,” the definition agreed upon by the recipient of this card shall be a term of precisely 366 days. By opening this card, the reader hereby agrees in principle to this definition of “year” and can make no further claims that a year be defined as 365 days or that the term “year” is in fact indefinable given that the universe is always expanding, causing the Earth’s rotation to be a scientifically inexact measurement or that time itself is a social construction and thereby not bound by legal principle.
4 “Your” is a possessive adjective implying a legally unenforceable connection between “you” the cardholder and the card sender referred to as “Lightfoot.” It does not imply ownership of or dominion over Lightfoot, Franklin & White LLC, its members, partners, associates, paralegals, employees, or affiliates. The cardholder retains no rights to any assets of Lightfoot, including but not limited to property, intellectual property, real estate, stock holdings, liquid financial assets, mineral rights, branded tumblers, office plants, or limited-edition camo caps.
5 In light of the legal precedent set forth in Citizens United v. Federal Elections Commission which established that a corporation could be classified as a “person,” it has yet to be established legally that a corporation can be classified as a “friend.” Accordingly, “friends” in the context of this card shall be defined as the collective body consisting of every current member, partner, associate, paralegal, and employee of Lightfoot (the “Lightfoot Family”) and not the corporate entity itself. Lightfoot, Franklin & White LLC reserves the right to classify each Lightfoot employee as a “friend” of the cardholder even in the case where the cardholder would not personally define each such individual to be a “friend” or if the cardholder doesn’t even know their name.
6 The nomenclature “Lightfoot” serves as a colloquial truncation representing the limited liability corporation registered in the states of Alabama and Texas as Lightfoot, Franklin & White LLC. This use of “Lightfoot” is to be inclusive of all individuals formally employed on a full-time basis by said LLC as of January 1, 2024, excluding all subcontractors, part-time employees, and interns. Additionally, any sentient or non-sentient office companions, including but not limited to fish, dogs, cats, rabbits, nutria, ferrets, et al., are hereby excluded as their wishes cannot be clearly articulated or implied given their lack of human-centric communication. If you feel as though you have received this New Year card in error, this card can be mailed back at the recipient’s expense directly to the offices of Lightfoot, Franklin & White LLC at 400 20th Street North, Birmingham, Alabama 35203 or 1885 Saint James Place, Suite 1150, Houston, Texas 77056.
At Lightfoot we like to keep things simple, so we’ll just say: We appreciate you and hope you have a great 2024.